If you’re already feeling that knot in your stomach as the holidays creep closer, you’re not imagining it.
This time of year is prime season for narcissists and high-conflict exes to ramp up their game-playing. The holidays offer up endless opportunities for chaos, control, and emotional games.
When the Dominator feels like they are losing their grip, nothing threatens them like a holiday they can’t control
So when your ex becomes extra unpredictable, extra sentimental, or extra ragey right now, please know this isn’t about you.
It’s a pattern. A tired one.
And you can protect your peace without getting dragged into their storm. On TLW program, we talk about protecting your lane. Keeping the chaos in his, and knowing that of course there are going to be bumps in the road (they will always throw stuff your way), but this is the stuff that drains our battery and makes us feel like giving up.
Don’t let him win.
Let’s walk through the most common holiday moves I see with clients, and how you can stay grounded, dignified, and calm.
1. The Holiday Hoover
Ah yes. The “festive reconciliation” message.
It sounds like:
-“Let’s do Christmas as a family… for the kids.”
-“I’ve been thinking about us.”
-“The holidays make me miss what we had.”
No, they haven’t suddenly become emotionally available. They’re bored, lonely, or feeling their supply drip. That’s it.
What you do:
-Keep it neutral. No essays.
-No explaining. No JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).
-A simple, steady boundary is enough. Let boring be your superpower.
2. Gift Games & Financial Flexing
This one gets women every year.
Here’s the pattern:
-Overspending to look like the “fun parent”
-Giving wildly inappropriate gifts that very honestly are just outright ridiculous
-Using presents to undermine boundaries
-Criticising your finances or choices
-Showing up with surprise gifts to force contact
As Dr Supriya McKenna says, with a coercive controller, “gifts are never just gifts.” They’re leveraging.
Your strategy:
Stay factual. Protect the child. Always. And document anything concerning , no emotional paragraphs required.
3. Sabotaging Your Plans
If they can’t control you, they’ll try to control your joy.
You might see:
-Last-minute cancellations (you probably experience this already)
-“Illnesses” that only appear on your holiday days (why is this so obvious?)
-Refusing to confirm plans (wanting to keep you in a state of limbo)
-Threats about withholding the kids
-Manufactured emergencies (that you know don’t exist)
BTW, you’re not dramatic. And when people disbelieve you, or give you strategies that you know DO NOT WORK. Remember, only those who are living this can truly understand what you are living through.
This is a textbook control tactic.
Your move:
-Everything in writing.
-Stick to the court order.
-No verbal agreements.
-Document your attempts, calmly, clearly, professionally.
4. DARVO: The Holiday Edition
Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim & Offender.
It’s their favourite festive tradition.
They might say:
-“You’re keeping the kids from me.”
-“You’re ruining Christmas.”
-“You’re being difficult.”
No. You’re maintaining boundaries that make them uncomfortable.
Your move:
-Stay anchored.
-Keep it short and child-focused.
-Let them perform elsewhere. Not in your nervous system.
5. The Public Performance
Suddenly they’re the Father (or Mother) of the Year…(yawn)
Expect:
-Perfect Instagram moments
-Public declarations of love and family
-Stories about being “left out” (you’d be surprised by the number of LinkedIn posts I read from fathers on this/I am not saying this doesn’t happen to men, but I am dubious about the way in which some of these posts are written.
-Symmetry, filters, and a side of manipulation
-Let them have their audience.
Your move:
-Don’t check their social media. (That includes their new girlfriend’s Instagram)
-Protect your peace like it’s gold.
6. Pre-Holiday Escalation
You might notice they get more intense before big days. Why? Because they feel the loss of control approaching.
Increases may include:
-More messages
-More conflict
-More pressure
-More emotional volatility
Your move:
-Pre-plan your responses and your boundaries.
-Decide who gets access to your energy.
-You are not required to absorb their emotions.
7. Using the Children as Messengers
This one hurts, I know. Because my parents did this to me throughout my entire childhood, and it’s the worst.
They might:
-Pass messages through the kids
-Make the child responsible for adult decisions (never OK)
-Badmouth you subtly
-Create “fun parent vs. strict parent” dynamics
Your child needs one regulated parent. Just one. Be that parent. Gently, consistently, lovingly.
Your move:
-Validate your child’s feelings, but never counterattack or use them as a messenger.
Your Holiday Peace Toolkit
These are the tools that will carry you through this season:
-Grey Rock (the upgraded “Crystal Rock” version -I love this)
Elegant, neutral, minimal responses.
Don’t JADE
-Keep everything simple and factual.
-Written communication only
-Emails or co-parenting apps.
Your nervous system will thank you.
Child-focused language, it shuts down manipulation quickly. Remember nervous system first, regulation is your power , your clarity, your shield.
And remember we are a support team that gets it. This is exactly why TLW exists, so you don’t navigate this alone.
If this season feels heavy, overwhelming, or confusing… remember:
-You’re not difficult.
-You’re not the problem.
-You’re not “ruining Christmas.”
You are dealing with a person who thrives on chaos and control, and you’re choosing stability, safety, and peace for you and your children. That is a strength. That is liberation in action.
We See You.
In Light,
TLW
