Why do so many women believe it’s their job to fix the man who breaks them?
I´ll be honest. I was that woman.
I believed deeply that it was only I who could get him back on track.
That if I loved him enough, understood him enough, stayed patient enough, he would finally see that violence and control weren’t the answer.
I focused on the smallest signs of goodness.
The way he spoke to his grandmother. (The cutest woman I had ever met)
The version of him I met at the beginning.
The moments were brief, inconsistent, fleeting, that kept me hopeful.
And sometimes, just enough of that goodness appeared to keep me hooked.
What I See Now
When I think about that younger version of myself, I don’t judge her.
I see her clearly. I see how hard she was trying. How much responsibility she carried.
How deeply she believed that love meant endurance. She wanted to help so desperately that she slowly disappeared.
And if I could speak to her now, I wouldn’t tell her to be stronger. I wouldn’t tell her to leave sooner. I wouldn’t tell her what she should have done.
I would tell her:
You were responding exactly as many women are taught to respond.
The Bit No One Talks About
We are rarely taught how to recognise harm early. We are taught to be understanding.
To be patient. To look for the good. To give second chances. To soften conflict rather than name it. That we could do a lot worse. That at least, he provides financially, that you could do a lot worse (Eeeek!!!)
So, when red flags appear, many women don’t panic; they explain.
When behaviour escalates, they adapt. And when something feels wrong in the body, they learn to override it. It’s conditioning.
And it’s why so many women stay far longer than they ever imagined they would.
Let’s Be Honest
Who wants a full-time project?
Nobody wants to live on eggshells
Nobody wants to have to manage someone else’s emotions OR
To constantly explain why basic respect isn’t optional
No woman wants to shrink, soften, and self-edit just to keep the peace?
Because a partner does not:
Put himself first, while you come last
Decide how you live, dress, or show up
Require you to disappear so he can feel powerful
And yet, many women are encouraged to reinterpret control as care.
So, Here’s the Question Worth Sitting With
As we start 2026, ask yourself gently:
Do you want a partner, or a project?
Because they are not the same thing.
Project vs Partner
Below are some of the most common ways women explain away harmful behaviour, and what safety actually looks like.
The stories we tell ourselves to survive the relationship
“He grew up around violence; he doesn’t know any other way.”
“He wants me to succeed… just not like that.”
“Therapy didn’t work for him.”
“If I change how I dress, it’s a small sacrifice.”
“I’ve seen the good in him. I know it’s there.”
“Marriage will fix things.”
“Once we have children, he’ll change.”
“He doesn’t have friends. I feel bad for him.”
“I just need to listen to him better.”
“He has to manage money because he says,’ I’m not good with it .”
“He provides financially, I should be grateful.”
“He says no one else would want me.”
“He controls my social life because he cares.”
“He says sex is his right.”
PARTNER
What safety and respect look like
He grew up around violence and chose not to repeat it
He supports your success in ways that matter to you
He seeks help when he needs it
You wear what you want, when you want
Accountability exists, not just “good intentions”
Commitment is never used as leverage
Children are never bargaining tools
He has a life outside of you
He listens and acts
Finances are fair, transparent, and safe
Care work is shared and respected
He builds you up, consistently
You are free, connected, and supported
No to sex is a complete sentence.
